A New Year

The new year often brings with it a new resolve. We resolve to make things better: to lose weight, to stop smoking, to work harder, to get a new job, to go back to school, to ______________ (fill in the blank). We make these resolutions as a way to move forward in our lives. Generally, we make these resolutions with every intention of fulfilling them. And then, 54% of us do not keep them. Within six months, we have stopped working our resolutions.

There are many reasons why this is so. We will examine just one: the self talk and goals born of anger or disappointment. January is one of the coldest and darkest times of the year, and this is often reflected in our personal lives and self talk. So, when we set those resolutions, it can be just another way of beating ourselves up.

Norma had tried to quit smoking many times. She had used the nicotine gum, the patch, behavior modification programs; she had sucked on candy canes instead of cigarettes, and had even tried hypnosis. She knew the health risks and had copies of the posters from the American Cancer Society. But, she had not been able to quit. So, she made a new year’s resolution. She enrolled in a smoking cessation program, sought out a support group, and threw away anything related to smoking in her home and office. Can you guess what happened?

She failed again. And she berated herself for not taking advantage of the great program and all the other resources. Chances are great that she would have continued smoking if she had not met Mike. An older man, Mike became a father figure to her. Mike admired Norma and told her so. He saw her grit and determination as she worked on an engineering major in college. He watched her stand up to, and win the respect of, the men who thought a woman had no business in their field. And he believed in her.

When Mike asked Norma why she didn’t quit smoking, all her negative self talk and emotion about it came tumbling out. Mike let her spew it out and then told her that he knew that she could do it. He reflected for her the competent, intelligent, indomitable young woman he saw. And he helped her get rid of the self condemnation about her smoking. Once she stopped beating herself up for smoking, Norma was able to stop

Part of the problem we face with our new year’s resolutions is that we jump from the negative feelings right to a “solution.” We don’t stop to examine and understand the problem first. Is it any wonder that our “one size fits all” resolutions don’t help? Instead of simply resolving to change, we need to consider what it is that upsets us, and how to address it.

This is a tall order. If I stop and consider my anger, I might find pain behind it. And if I consider the pain, I might find a deep hurt. I might have to make changes in a relationship or my self image or my self discipline. I might have to admit my weakness and seek help.

As she neared the end of her college days, Elsa developed an eating disorder. She would binge and then throw up, sometimes more than once a day. She also avoided all wheat products and would not eat meat. When she binged, she ate cheeseburgers and pizza and pastries, because she knew that she would be throwing up.

By the time she sought help for her eating disorder, Elsa had been Bulimic for six years. She entered an inpatient program and did quite well. When she got out of the hospital, she continued with the follow up support group. But, she didn’t tell anyone when she started bingeing and purging again. Finally, she realized that this problem had become her life. All of her dreams and ambitions had been put aside because of it. Elsa decided to take control.

Elsa went to a clinic that helped her figure out what thoughts were driving her behavior and what feelings were underlying those thought patterns. She began examining her symptoms and discovered patterns that she’d never noticed before. She would binge before an important event, such as an interview or a presentation. Then she would be so uncomfortable that she couldn’t concentrate on what she was doing. Generally this meant that she showed off poorly and did not get what she wanted. Once she discovered this pattern, Elsa asked herself why she would self sabotage like that.

Finally, Elsa realized that she was scared. She was afraid that if she really reached for something she wanted, that she would fail. Rather than try and fail, Elsa binged and distracted herself. That way, when she didn’t get the outcome she wanted, she could blame the Bulimia. It wasn’t really her fault. She wasn’t a failure. And that was her bottom line. Having found it, she could reframe the whole situation. “Failing at something does not make me a failure. Not giving it my best shot does.”

Elsa placed signs all over her apartment and in her desk at work. She worked the therapy program and planned her daily menus for good nutrition. And she learned to pick up the pieces after a failure and move on to the next opportunity for success. It took more than a year of grueling hard work, but Elsa freed herself from this negative cycle and got her life back.

As you make and struggle to keep, or end up breaking, your new year’s resolutions, remember to take time to understand the problem. Find the source of the hurt or anger or other emotion, and address it. Change negative thoughts and self talk. Help yourself the way you would help any other friend of yours. Nurture yourself.

May you find all the blessings waiting for you in 2009.

May you be blessed with all you need.